Tag Archives: teenagers

#MHAW2017

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Preventing Mental Health Issues in Teens

Everyone loves a story and from the minute we get up in the morning we all tell ourselves stories – many stories. Most of them are very short and we may not even be aware we are telling ourselves them. Some are positive – ‘I’m looking forward to the party tonight’. Some are neutral and some are negative – ‘I’m not looking forward to school because I’ve got no friends’. Some are sometimes repeated and stick a bit. Others are repeated on a daily basis and become the landscape we live in and we come to believe as the truth about ourselves or our situation. Listening with care to the stories our children are telling themselves and turning the negative landscapes into positive ones turns lives around.

Now I’m going to let you into a secret that not many people realise.

We all have mental health, each and every one of us.

We all have PMA – Positive Mental Attitude for those who tell themselves positive stories and Poorly Mental Attitude for those who tell themselves negative stories about themselves or their situations.

We can all control our mental health with the stories we tell ourselves – some of us just need more help than others. By helping young people develop some simple skills and strategies they can make the shift to a positive mental attitude.
Using metaphor stories we can help children to see things in a different way. We can embed messages into the stories that will work long after the surface of the story has been heard.

I’ve got a friend who doesn’t have much faith in the weathermen and was fed up always getting wet so now he always carries an umbrella to protect him from the rain. To begin with it was one of those walking stick ones that was awkward to carry, good to lean on but he kept hanging it up, forgetting about it and leaving it behind. Now he carries one of those tiny ones that hardly weighs anything and fits in a pocket so he never leaves it behind anymore.

The story above talks about being prepared for bad weather and changes the size of the umbrella to something more manageable. The rain is the negative behaviour we want to change. The umbrella is the new skill for helping protect against the unhelpful behaviour with the big umbrella showing it can be tricky to get used to the new behaviour and forget about it but over time and changing it to a smaller one it becomes easier to remember and always have it with you.

Did you ever suck your thumb as a child? Or maybe you had a bit of silky ribbon you liked to stroke? Or a cuddly toy you hugged? Maybe you still do! These comforters acted as physical anchors (or stimuli) to help you feel more comfortable or safer or soothed you. To help children overcome their negative thoughts or behaviours we can create anchors for them that they will always have with them to be able to use when they need it. Get the child to think about a time when they were feeling very confident, happy or positive. Talk about the thoughts, emotions and the environment when they felt those positive emotions. Whilst they are thinking about these feelings we need to activate the anchor when they are experiencing the desired emotions.

For children who are auditory it could be a song. The song lyrics are often great metaphors and the tune easily hummed. Dappy’s recent hit single ‘Happy’ is a great one to sing to yourself as the words and melody hit all the right spots to help you reach that happy feeling!

For children who are visual imagining themselves in a place where they feel safe or happy or confident or relaxed with as much detail as possible will give them a place to escape to in their minds when they need to experience positive feelings.

For children who are kinaesthetic a good anchor will be reinforcing a touch on the body somewhere eg putting their thumb and middle finger together or pinching their earlobe whilst thinking about their good feelings.

Put all three of these together and you have a linked anchor.

The process is very simple – think about the state you want, ‘fire the anchor’, when the feeling starts to fade release the anchor, open your eyes, look away, count to 10 and repeat the process to embed the anchor.  By firing the anchor we will activate the positive state of emotions that we want to have anytime we want to have them. By skilfully teaching a child how to do this they can then have the resources to build their own anchors when they need some help getting back to a positive mental attitude.

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care by the way
Because I’m happy
(Lyrics Pharrell Williams)

We all get fed-up from time to time and helping your child manage their emotions in different situations will help them in their adult life. If you have concerns about the reasons for their sadness, the frequency or the depth of their sadness and would like additional advice and support contact me at soo@nlp4kids.org or on 07851447612.

5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

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5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

As the song says ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’. But what happens if you don’t have any friends? Is your child a bit of a loner? Do they never get any birthday invites?

1) They have a fear of rejection so it’s easier not to try to make friends.
It may be that in the past your child has reached out to another child to make friends with them and for whatever reason the other child has not wanted to make friends with your child. It could be that the fear of rejection is totally unfounded – most people experience fear of rejection at some point in their lives.
Talk to your child about their fear of rejection and make sure that you make time for them. All children value quality time with their parents even if they don’t show it!

2) They are very shy and don’t know what to say to open the conversation.
You will know yourself if your child is very shy. If I said, ‘Help them by giving them some conversation starters to use, tell them when and how to use them and then rehearse the opening conversations with them’ that would sound rather dull wouldn’t it?
However, if you make it into a game where you play different characters in different settings then it becomes fun and your child will find it easier to remember! Make it a family game and include their favourite characters from books or TV to make it even more fun.

3) They think they are ‘boring’ and that others are more ‘exciting’ than them.
Everyone else’s life seems more exciting than yours when you are a child. Children compare themselves and their lives to others and often find themselves coming up short. In reality they are not but believe that they are. Help them to see that others are feeling the same way they do about them by finding all the unique things your child has that others don’t.
You can always find something unusual that your child enjoys doing that makes their life seem more exciting to others.

4) They feel like an outsider and think that they don’t fit in.
This happens especially when a child moves and is new to a school or area or when a child has specific needs. When they feel they are on the outside children will look for all of the things that they don’t have in common with others and use those as a barrier (or excuse) to avoid making friends. The truth is that the more they use these as an excuse the more they will be treated like an outsider and the worse it will get. Tackle these issues early on by finding groups or clubs that your child can join where they can build on common interests.

5) They have been bullied in the past and have trust issues.
This can be the toughest one to deal with. If you know your child has been bullied then you have a head start because you can talk to them about it and coach them through any worries they have about being bullied again. You can build their resilience by praising how they overcame the bullies before.
It may be that your child has hidden the fact they’ve been bullied from you. This is harder to deal with but if you are aware of your child’s moods then you will be able to spot changes in moods which may indicate bullying is taking/has taken place.
Start small and focus on a friendship that you know works for your child and boost that friendship as much as you can. You can enlist the help of that friend to help your child to make more friends.

Childhood friendships come and go – some last a lifetime and some only for a short while. Building the skills to make friends as children makes it easier to make friends as an adult. Remind your children that you are also their friend and are there for them.

Yours in friendship
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner West Yorkshire
www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org
https://www.facebook.com/nlp4kidswestyorkshire/

Transition – Can you grow the tallest beans in Leeds?

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All over Leeds schools have been growing White Lady runner beans.  The school that sends the photo of the tallest beans by July 20th wins £50 book vouchers for their school.

Schools have benefitted from free 90 minute transition workshops and feedback from the pupils and staff has been very positive.

You can read some of the feedback below –

‘She made me feel really happy when we talked about the problems.’ Year 6 pupil

‘She is funny and good at explaining.’ Year 6 pupil

‘I don’t know how she hid the balloon in my pocket. I enjoyed blowing away my worries.’ Year 6 pupil

‘Relaxing and calm manner – straight forward and easy for the children to understand.’ Staff

‘Very funny and interesting.’ Year 10 pupil

‘It was fantastic and I loved it so much.’ Year 10 pupil

I thought it was really useful to learn these techniques.’ Year 10 pupil

 

10 Signs of Bullying and a Short Scottish tale

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harris tweed 1I was born and brought up in Scotland and lived there until I was 13 years old and I am very proud of my Scottish heritage. However, not many people believe I am Scottish because I don’t have a strong Scottish accent. In fact I have a very mixed accent which is predominantly Northern – mainly Yorkshire with just a little hint of Lancashire. And yet when I say the number 4 it sounds like ‘fore’ (very Scottish!) and if I visit Scotland or talk to a person with a Scottish accent for any length of time the Scottish lilt returns.

When I was a headteacher I would use my Scottish accent to good effect to let the children know that I was not best pleased because my ‘strict Scottish’ only came out when I was cross! Truth be told I can put it on at will although it can vary quite a lot these days, after all it has been 40 years since I lived there!

How on earth could I have been so careless as to lose my accent? Well it happened like this. At 13 years of age we moved to Southampton which at the time seemed like the edge of the world to me. It was my first trip on an aeroplane and very exciting. Mind you at that age I couldn’t understand why our budgie couldn’t fly with us in the plane and had to stay behind in Scotland – that’s a whole other story!).

I started at a new school – this one was an all girl school and it was a bit odd not having any boys in it. It took me a while to settle in at the school not least because the other girls could hardly understand what I was saying because of my (then) strong Scottish accent. I had to slow my speech down and repeat myself regularly to make myself understood. It was very weird because I hardly understood what they were saying either! Needless to say communication was very trying for me.

One day not long after I had started at the school we were in PE when I had a falling out with another girl. I can’t remember what it was all about now (something trivial I am sure).   What I do remember was being told that I should go back home to my own country and the girl repeatedly saying ‘Hootsman the noo’ and doing an impression of the highland fling dance. Every time she saw me after that she would mimic my accent and ask me to repeat what I had said because she couldn’t understand me – even if I hadn’t said anything. Before too long about half the class were joining in with the teasing.

I sought refuge in the library as I loved reading and it was a good way to avoid the girls and their teasing. I kept quiet about it to begin with and wish now that I hadn’t. The teasing got worse each day with various insults being thrown my way about how mean I was with money because I was Scottish – in reality we hardly had any money so I was very careful with what I did get. I was left out of a lot of games and was always the last one to be picked in PE. The other girls wouldn’t pass me the ball in netball even if there was no-one marking me. The only thing marking me was my accent and it made me stick out like a sore thumb. I was an easy target for the bullies at the time.

After a few weeks I thought that if I spoke the same as them then maybe they would like me more. I began to listen carefully and mimic the way they spoke so that I didn’t stick out so much. I worked on losing my accent in order to fit in thinking that I would be accepted more. The bullying continued and got worse until one day they circled me in the playground and started to push me from one to the other around the circle. When I finally escaped I fled to the library where the librarian found me crying in a corner. Eventually I explained how much I missed Scotland and my friends there – I didn’t say anything about the girls pushing me around because I didn’t want to be a snitch.

It was getting towards Christmas when I finally told the librarian what was really going on and why I was so unhappy.   She was very kind and explained to me that it was bullying and not allowed in the school. She soon got my head of year involved and we had to have several meetings to sort things out. The other girls had never met anyone Scottish before so I was a bit of a novelty to them. Eventually things eased off and I started to make friends and fit in more with the other girls. Sadly I lost most of my Scottish accent in the process – although now I can mimic lots of different accents easily!

Here are 10 signs to watch out for that may mean your child is being bullied.

  1. She/he is quieter than usual or becomes louder than usual.
  2. She/he becomes secretive about what they are doing.
  3. She/he stays in the house more than they used to.
  4. She/he is subdued when they come home from school.
  5. She/he doesn’t want to go to school at all and won’t tell you why.
  6. Her/his appetite changes – eating more or eating less.
  7. She/he starts wetting the bed again.
  8. She/he is sleeping badly.
  9. She/he has unexplained bruises.
  10. She/he loses possessions or starts to ask for more money.

I scored 7 out of 10 of these ‘symptoms’ of bullying.  I was very lucky that things were sorted out quickly for me once I spoke up. All too often children and young people are scared to speak up and don’t want to tell an adult for fear of getting into trouble themselves or making things worse. As parent/carers and teachers we all need to watch out for signs our children may be being bullied and take action to help them.

  1. Talk to your child in a calm, curious way.
  2. Show your child that you are there to support them.
  3. Rehearse responses with your child so that they have choices about how to react if it happens again.
  4. If the bullying is taking place at school contact the school to arrange a meeting.
  5. Watch out for online bullying on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram etc.
  6. Explain to your child that bullies were often bullied themselves as children.
  7. Talk to the other child’s parents as they may not be aware it is happening.

If you are concerned that your child is being bullied and would like to help them then please get in touch for more information about how some sessions with NLP4Kids West Yorkshire can help boost their confidence.

Email me at soo@NLP4Kids.org or call today on 07851447612

Soo Matthews

www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org

 

The Magic of a Good Book

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Quest for the Crystal CastleThe Magic of a Good Book

Books can take us to another land. They have the potential to evoke an imagination that brings the unreal to life and can captivate the hearts and minds of even the most uninterested readers.

Great storytellers have been sharing their surreal worlds with young minds for centuries. And the beauty of reading to children is immeasurable. The words, when expressed with the feeling with which they were written, can create a roller coaster of emotion and intrigue. Have you ever read a book that you were unable to put down – even though you knew bedtime was long overdue?

Or perhaps you can recall the torturous anticipation when your class teacher told you it was home time, as you sat on the carpet having just had read to you, the next chapter of your end of the day story?

There is a real gift in how good storytellers tell their stories, not just in how they write. But how they pronounce, intonate and pause in their delivery of what they have written.

Fantastic stories deserve to be read with the passion with which they were written and even a simple story can take on a whole new lease of life when it is read aloud in a compelling way.

As adults who read to young children, it is our duty to make reading one of the most compelling skills to learn. To make books appear more than just black letters on a white page and to use every ounce of our energy, acting and intonation to fully engage with the story and its characters.

My personal favourite book at school was always Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome. The adventures of the three men on a boat on the Thames always had the class in stitches. The teacher always put on funny voices and I’m not sure how she managed to keep a straight face whilst reading such a funny book. Soo

Consider the difference between the two examples below:

(Read this paragraph aloud or in your mind in a monotone voice. Do not express any words or voices.)

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his large, hairy belly that hung over the dirty cloth which covered his rude bits.

“No!” He exclaimed. “No one makes it out of here alive. That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, cleverly disguising the thought-pause with a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say something profound and important. Only she had no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing would be. All she knew, as she slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a very smart idea. An idea that was so good, it would save her life.’

If you’re a great storyteller you would have found that to be a very difficult exercise!

Now tell the story with the commands inserted below. Notice how it feels different to read the story and be the recipient hearing that story.

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his <next 3 words say them slowly with an air of disgust> large, hairy belly that hung over the <emphasise> dirty cloth which covered his <elevate your voice as if you are surprised> rude bits.

<With aggression> “No!” He exclaimed. <emphasise “no one”> “No one makes it out of here alive. <Stagger the words as if there is a full stop between each word> That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, <pause as if you are thinking, then say the next few words speedily to add drama> cleverly disguising the thought-pause with <breathe in long breath staggering the new few words between your breath as you do it> a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say <state in a profound way – as if making a pledge> something profound and important. Only she had <emphasise no idea> no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing <drop tone as if disappointing that you do not yet know> would be. All she knew as she <slow down> slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her <emphasise ”most important breath”> most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a <emphasise very> very smart idea. An idea that was so good, <pause and say the last few words slowly> it would save her life.’

It’s not a skill that comes naturally to all, but it is a skill that anyone can learn. When you know how to deliver stories in an engaging way, every book can become a masterpiece and the reader can glean as much entertainment from reading it as the audience can from listening.

When I used to babysit the children always wanted me to read to them in my ‘funny voices’ and it used to make them laugh.  As a headteacher in Leeds one of my favourite parts of doing assemblies was when I could put on different voices when I was reading out stories to the children. I always made sure to go through it a couple of times beforehand to make sure I got the tone of the voices right. Soo 

The original version of this article was written by Gemma Bailey, director of www.NLP4Kids.org.

It was republished and rebuilt with additional content by Soo Matthews https://www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org/

 

How I tricked 600 teenagers into thinking I’d travelled the world in a week!

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My best assembly ever! I’ve presented hundreds of school assemblies over the last 30 years and with today being World Book Day I remembered this one.

It was just after a half term holiday. I took a huge rucksack into assembly – 600 eager faces all looking my way and wondering what I’d be on about today! I wanted to wander in amongst the students so I didn’t stand on the stage as I often did. I asked the students if they’d had a good holiday and they chimed a loud ‘Yes’. Mr C my fellow deputy asked me if I’d had a good holiday. I then launched into my assembly about my fabulous holiday and how busy I had been!

 Out of my rucksack I pulled my safari hat, binoculars and camera. I told them of my safari adventures in Africa and how hot it had been! Next I pulled out a bright colourful sari, a sunhat, my sunglasses and suncream. I told them about the wonderful sights and sounds of India. Finally I pulled my ski jacket, warm gloves and ski goggles. Putting them all on I regaled the whole hall with my adventure in the arctic and how cold it was there and the wonderful sights I’d seen. The children were rapt and so were many of the staff. When I started to tell them about the wild chase across the ice on skidoos there were more puzzled faces and the touch of disbelief started to creep in.

At this point another colleague Mr H asked me loudly if I was sure that I had done all those things because he thought he’d seen me in B&Q on the Monday. I told him that must have been my twin sister and carried on looking in my rucksack. Then Mrs W shouted out that she knew I had been in the local café with her on the Thursday so how had I managed to fit all this adventure in. By now the children were very confused and not quite sure who to believe!

I rooted around some more in my rucksack and finally came clean. I pulled out the three books I had read over the holiday period – an African adventure, an escape to India and finally a terrific adventure called Ice Station by Matthew Reilly! I talked about how I had escaped in the pleasure of the books and had been transported to these wonderful places. I bigged up books big time!

At the end of the assembly there was a queue of students waiting to borrow the books and for the rest of the week some students were still not quite sure whether I had been to all those places or not. I told them that in my head I had and how much joy I had from it all!

Happy World Book Day and happy reading to you all.
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner

Preventing Mental Health Issues in Teenagers

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With Thursday 4th February being Time To Talk Day it reminded me of the article I wrote last year for our article writing competition.

Everyone loves a story and from the minute we get up in the morning we all tell ourselves stories – many stories. Most of them are very short and we may not even be aware we are telling ourselves them. Some are positive – ‘I’m looking forward to the party tonight’. Some are neutral and some are negative – ‘I’m not looking forward to school because I’ve got no friends’. Some are sometimes repeated and stick a bit. Others are repeated on a daily basis and become the landscape we live in and we come to believe as the truth about ourselves or our situation. Listening with care to the stories our children are telling themselves and turning the negative landscapes into positive ones turns lives around.

Now I’m going to let you into a secret that not many people realise.

We all have mental health, each and every one of us.

You can read the full article here http://bit.ly/1QX4Sld

The Art of Unning

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The Art of Unning

Can you Un? Say it like running but without the ‘r.’

I’ve discovered a new verb – to un! You read that right – to un. No I haven’t missed anything at the end of un – yet! The Art of Unning came to me the other day when I was working with a client. For most of us the leap from a negative feeling to a positive one can be simply too big. For many clients it is simply impossible. That is where the Art of Unning can help.

When we do opposites of words in school many words are paired together. Success – failure. Tall – short. Easy – difficult. Fast – slow. Happy – sad. Active – lazy. Stuck – unstuck. It was this last one that got me into thinking about the Art of Unning so I tried it – and it worked!

Imagine if you were feeling sad. What if instead of thinking you had to be happy you thought about being unsad?

What if instead of thinking about being active you thought about being unlazy?

How about instead of thinking you had to be a success you thought about unfailing?

How about you thought of something challenging being undifficult?

You see it confuses the brain long enough to start making shifts. The Art of Unning can make such unusual words that our conscious mind is so busy trying to come to terms with what unsad means that the unconscious mind gets to work on those blocks without you going ‘Yes but …’.

Have fun with it too!

For organised – disorganised use undisorganised.

For tidy – untidy use ununtidy.

For years we’ve unned positive words – so how about unning some of those negative words and see what happens? As a mathematician might say ‘two negatives make a positive’ so unning negative words kind of makes sense to me – I hope it does to you too!

Why not give it a try and see how the Art of Unning works for you and your clients?

Let me know how you get on!

Soo Matthews

NLP4Kids West Yorkshire

www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org

PS Dictionary definition of ‘Un-‘ is a prefix meaning ‘not’ freely used as an English formative giving negative or opposite force in adjectives and their derivative adverbs and nouns.

A new strategy for Samosas and Dyslexia

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My New Samosa Strategy

I’ve got a new strategy for samosas. A strategy for samosas? Why on earth do you need one of those? A few weeks ago I went out for a lovely meal to celebrate curry week. I’m vegetarian so we chose a vegetarian mixed starter. It was very tasty – until I got to the samosa. The pastry was really crispy and crunched nicely when I cut one of the corners off. I was so busy chatting that it took me a moment to realise it didn’t taste like the samosas I usually have. There was an odd texture to it – one I’m not used to. There were little chewy bits in it!

I had already chewed it and swallowed before my brain processed what I was tasting. Luckily it was just a small piece and I took a pause to look more closely at the other part. In the dim light of the restaurant it didn’t look like a normal vegetarian samosa. My friend had a look and tasted it and confirmed my worst fears – that it was a meat samosa! The waiter was very apologetic when we told him. He told the manager who then came over and said we wouldn’t be charged for the starter.

We all have strategies for getting us through the day. Sometimes we learn them from other people, sometimes we read about them (usually on the internet these days!) When I first started teaching (31 years ago) there were very few strategies for working with children with dyslexia. Indeed it was very often not recognised. Nowadays there are loads of strategies to help with dyslexia and workplace accommodations can easily be made if you need them.

Like me with the meat samosa a dyslexic’s brain may take longer to process what they are seeing or see it in an entirely different way.

Here are just a few –
• Using a coloured plastic strip to place over the writing. These come in different colours to suit the particular needs of the person.
• Using a pale coloured paper (white can be too dazzling)
• Use matt paper that is thick enough that the text on the other side doesn’t show through.
• Using specific fonts designed for those with dyslexia (Dyslexie and OpenDyslexic can both be downloaded from the internet.)
• Avoid using text in block capitals as this can be harder to read.
• Allow your child to talk their answer instead of writing it down.
• Using audio books alongside real books.
• Using NLP techniques to help visualise words.

Above all your child needs to know that they are still creative, intelligent and can be as successful as anyone else. Maybe even more so. Famous dyslexics include Richard Branson, Albert Einstein, Henry Ford (of Ford cars), Walt Disney and Stephen Spielberg to name just a few.

There are lots of helpful websites out there too here are a couple in the UK –
www.bdadyslexia.org.uk
www.dyslexiaaction.org.uk

So I nearly forgot back to the samosa strategy. The manager told us they buy in the samosas in separate boxes of meat ones and vegetarian ones. They are cooked separately in the kitchen so the mix-up happened in the factory where they are made. (I was a little disappointed they are not hand made in the restaurant). So my new strategy? I’m going to cut off one of the corners and look at it first before popping it in my mouth! After all – mix-ups can happen anywhere!

If you’d like help for your child contact me at soo@nlp4kids.org or call 0785 144 7612

By Soo Matthews

www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.NLP4Kids.org