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The Law of Unexpected Outcomes and Squeaky Floorboards

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The Law of Unexpected Outcomes and Squeaky Floorboards

A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to give my office/art room a lick of paint to freshen it up.  What ensued was quite a saga which I’m not sure I’m over yet! Obviously I moved things from the edge to be able to reach the walls. In reality it’s such a small room meant I had to empty the room. It took me 2 days to move everything out of the room (I have a lot of books and art stuff!) This in turn lead to unexpected outcome number 1 – the rest of the house upstairs became a cluttered, hazardous space!  You might think this would have meant the job got done quickly so I could get back to normality – it didn’t!

Having emptied the room the carpet looked really grubby especially around the edges (it was laid when I moved into the house over 20 years ago so no surprise). This led to unexpected outcome number 2 – what to do about the floor? The carpet had to go! Day one of damage to fingers from the carpet gripper rods and their sharp nails – ouch.

I started with the woodwork – obviously sanding it back all first to give the surface a tooth to grip to. This lead to unexpected outcome number 3! My fingerprints aren’t recognised on any of my devices!

When I wasn’t painting the walls and woodwork I researched flooring. I wasn’t totally sure I could lay carpet but over 20 years ago I had laid laminate flooring in the kitchen when I first moved in. If I’d done it once I could do it again! Then I recalled how tricky it was to cut accurately and in the end I narrowed my choices down to vinyl.  Vinyl on the roll had the same issues as carpet – it’s an awkward shaped room so that was out. Stick down vinyl tiles were potentially easy to use a however the online reviews were mixed so I went for vinyl planks that click together. Decision made I had to choose a colour – so many to choose from.

In the meantime I carried on painting and stepping over things in the hallway and bedrooms. Decorating is quite tiring and it took me four days to paint all the walls and woodwork to my satisfaction!  The walls took three coats.

Next job was the flooring and a trip to B&Q to get another pack of vinyl as the room was bigger than I thought!  It was a frustrating start when I realised that I had put the first two strips together and had to take them apart.  True to the description the planks did cut easily across the plank by scoring them with a Stanley knife and snapping across your knee.  Unexpected outcome 4 – bruised knees and scarred wrists where the planks slipped and I cut myself. 

Half way through I realised I was right with the first planks I’d laid – I was now struggling on a row trying to click the planks the wrong way.  As soon as I realised this I was flying and had the room almost completed – though it still took me all day!  I just had the edges where I needed to cut the planks lengthways.  I started and realised it was not going to be as easy and I was worried the planks might crack in the wrong places. 

Next day I set to with sawing the planks.  This lead to new abrasions on my fingers and knees (don’t ask!) Each plank took about 15 minutes to saw as I was hand-sawing – not recommended! The edging strips were much easier and I found I could cut that with a Stanley knife.  I was now ready to move everything back in.

Only I didn’t move it all back in. Unexpected outcome 5 – I sorted and discarded stuff I no longer needed and cleared space – I was able to let stuff go.  Unexpected outcome 6 – gifts sent to friends of things I have no use for but I know they will love. Unexpected outcome 7 – the desk has always been in front of the window so I could look out. It’s now against the back wall and the room seems so much more spacious and the energy in the room is fabulous.  I’m also not distracted by being a nosey parker!

Unexpected outcome 8 is squeaky floorboards in the bedroom next door!  I suspect it is because I have moved the bookcase that was really jam packed (and therefore very heavy) into another room.  That’s something to investigate another day – and probably needs a floor specialist if I’m honest.

A decision to make a simple change led to so many other things that I really didn’t expect at all.  I always remind the children and young people I work with that one small change may well lead to other changes we might not always expect.  We talk about what else might change or happen when we’ve taken a decision to make a change. We usually end up with a huge mind map of all these changes.  I’ve ended up with a lovely office and therapy space with great energy.

PS – Not so unexpected outcome 9 – I’m a much better therapist than I am a decorator or floor layer!

PPS – Still working on getting my devices to recognise my finger prints!

#MHAW2017

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Preventing Mental Health Issues in Teens

Everyone loves a story and from the minute we get up in the morning we all tell ourselves stories – many stories. Most of them are very short and we may not even be aware we are telling ourselves them. Some are positive – ‘I’m looking forward to the party tonight’. Some are neutral and some are negative – ‘I’m not looking forward to school because I’ve got no friends’. Some are sometimes repeated and stick a bit. Others are repeated on a daily basis and become the landscape we live in and we come to believe as the truth about ourselves or our situation. Listening with care to the stories our children are telling themselves and turning the negative landscapes into positive ones turns lives around.

Now I’m going to let you into a secret that not many people realise.

We all have mental health, each and every one of us.

We all have PMA – Positive Mental Attitude for those who tell themselves positive stories and Poorly Mental Attitude for those who tell themselves negative stories about themselves or their situations.

We can all control our mental health with the stories we tell ourselves – some of us just need more help than others. By helping young people develop some simple skills and strategies they can make the shift to a positive mental attitude.
Using metaphor stories we can help children to see things in a different way. We can embed messages into the stories that will work long after the surface of the story has been heard.

I’ve got a friend who doesn’t have much faith in the weathermen and was fed up always getting wet so now he always carries an umbrella to protect him from the rain. To begin with it was one of those walking stick ones that was awkward to carry, good to lean on but he kept hanging it up, forgetting about it and leaving it behind. Now he carries one of those tiny ones that hardly weighs anything and fits in a pocket so he never leaves it behind anymore.

The story above talks about being prepared for bad weather and changes the size of the umbrella to something more manageable. The rain is the negative behaviour we want to change. The umbrella is the new skill for helping protect against the unhelpful behaviour with the big umbrella showing it can be tricky to get used to the new behaviour and forget about it but over time and changing it to a smaller one it becomes easier to remember and always have it with you.

Did you ever suck your thumb as a child? Or maybe you had a bit of silky ribbon you liked to stroke? Or a cuddly toy you hugged? Maybe you still do! These comforters acted as physical anchors (or stimuli) to help you feel more comfortable or safer or soothed you. To help children overcome their negative thoughts or behaviours we can create anchors for them that they will always have with them to be able to use when they need it. Get the child to think about a time when they were feeling very confident, happy or positive. Talk about the thoughts, emotions and the environment when they felt those positive emotions. Whilst they are thinking about these feelings we need to activate the anchor when they are experiencing the desired emotions.

For children who are auditory it could be a song. The song lyrics are often great metaphors and the tune easily hummed. Dappy’s recent hit single ‘Happy’ is a great one to sing to yourself as the words and melody hit all the right spots to help you reach that happy feeling!

For children who are visual imagining themselves in a place where they feel safe or happy or confident or relaxed with as much detail as possible will give them a place to escape to in their minds when they need to experience positive feelings.

For children who are kinaesthetic a good anchor will be reinforcing a touch on the body somewhere eg putting their thumb and middle finger together or pinching their earlobe whilst thinking about their good feelings.

Put all three of these together and you have a linked anchor.

The process is very simple – think about the state you want, ‘fire the anchor’, when the feeling starts to fade release the anchor, open your eyes, look away, count to 10 and repeat the process to embed the anchor.  By firing the anchor we will activate the positive state of emotions that we want to have anytime we want to have them. By skilfully teaching a child how to do this they can then have the resources to build their own anchors when they need some help getting back to a positive mental attitude.

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care by the way
Because I’m happy
(Lyrics Pharrell Williams)

We all get fed-up from time to time and helping your child manage their emotions in different situations will help them in their adult life. If you have concerns about the reasons for their sadness, the frequency or the depth of their sadness and would like additional advice and support contact me at soo@nlp4kids.org or on 07851447612.

5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

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5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

As the song says ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’. But what happens if you don’t have any friends? Is your child a bit of a loner? Do they never get any birthday invites?

1) They have a fear of rejection so it’s easier not to try to make friends.
It may be that in the past your child has reached out to another child to make friends with them and for whatever reason the other child has not wanted to make friends with your child. It could be that the fear of rejection is totally unfounded – most people experience fear of rejection at some point in their lives.
Talk to your child about their fear of rejection and make sure that you make time for them. All children value quality time with their parents even if they don’t show it!

2) They are very shy and don’t know what to say to open the conversation.
You will know yourself if your child is very shy. If I said, ‘Help them by giving them some conversation starters to use, tell them when and how to use them and then rehearse the opening conversations with them’ that would sound rather dull wouldn’t it?
However, if you make it into a game where you play different characters in different settings then it becomes fun and your child will find it easier to remember! Make it a family game and include their favourite characters from books or TV to make it even more fun.

3) They think they are ‘boring’ and that others are more ‘exciting’ than them.
Everyone else’s life seems more exciting than yours when you are a child. Children compare themselves and their lives to others and often find themselves coming up short. In reality they are not but believe that they are. Help them to see that others are feeling the same way they do about them by finding all the unique things your child has that others don’t.
You can always find something unusual that your child enjoys doing that makes their life seem more exciting to others.

4) They feel like an outsider and think that they don’t fit in.
This happens especially when a child moves and is new to a school or area or when a child has specific needs. When they feel they are on the outside children will look for all of the things that they don’t have in common with others and use those as a barrier (or excuse) to avoid making friends. The truth is that the more they use these as an excuse the more they will be treated like an outsider and the worse it will get. Tackle these issues early on by finding groups or clubs that your child can join where they can build on common interests.

5) They have been bullied in the past and have trust issues.
This can be the toughest one to deal with. If you know your child has been bullied then you have a head start because you can talk to them about it and coach them through any worries they have about being bullied again. You can build their resilience by praising how they overcame the bullies before.
It may be that your child has hidden the fact they’ve been bullied from you. This is harder to deal with but if you are aware of your child’s moods then you will be able to spot changes in moods which may indicate bullying is taking/has taken place.
Start small and focus on a friendship that you know works for your child and boost that friendship as much as you can. You can enlist the help of that friend to help your child to make more friends.

Childhood friendships come and go – some last a lifetime and some only for a short while. Building the skills to make friends as children makes it easier to make friends as an adult. Remind your children that you are also their friend and are there for them.

Yours in friendship
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner West Yorkshire
www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org
https://www.facebook.com/nlp4kidswestyorkshire/

The Magic of a Good Book

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Quest for the Crystal CastleThe Magic of a Good Book

Books can take us to another land. They have the potential to evoke an imagination that brings the unreal to life and can captivate the hearts and minds of even the most uninterested readers.

Great storytellers have been sharing their surreal worlds with young minds for centuries. And the beauty of reading to children is immeasurable. The words, when expressed with the feeling with which they were written, can create a roller coaster of emotion and intrigue. Have you ever read a book that you were unable to put down – even though you knew bedtime was long overdue?

Or perhaps you can recall the torturous anticipation when your class teacher told you it was home time, as you sat on the carpet having just had read to you, the next chapter of your end of the day story?

There is a real gift in how good storytellers tell their stories, not just in how they write. But how they pronounce, intonate and pause in their delivery of what they have written.

Fantastic stories deserve to be read with the passion with which they were written and even a simple story can take on a whole new lease of life when it is read aloud in a compelling way.

As adults who read to young children, it is our duty to make reading one of the most compelling skills to learn. To make books appear more than just black letters on a white page and to use every ounce of our energy, acting and intonation to fully engage with the story and its characters.

My personal favourite book at school was always Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome. The adventures of the three men on a boat on the Thames always had the class in stitches. The teacher always put on funny voices and I’m not sure how she managed to keep a straight face whilst reading such a funny book. Soo

Consider the difference between the two examples below:

(Read this paragraph aloud or in your mind in a monotone voice. Do not express any words or voices.)

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his large, hairy belly that hung over the dirty cloth which covered his rude bits.

“No!” He exclaimed. “No one makes it out of here alive. That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, cleverly disguising the thought-pause with a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say something profound and important. Only she had no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing would be. All she knew, as she slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a very smart idea. An idea that was so good, it would save her life.’

If you’re a great storyteller you would have found that to be a very difficult exercise!

Now tell the story with the commands inserted below. Notice how it feels different to read the story and be the recipient hearing that story.

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his <next 3 words say them slowly with an air of disgust> large, hairy belly that hung over the <emphasise> dirty cloth which covered his <elevate your voice as if you are surprised> rude bits.

<With aggression> “No!” He exclaimed. <emphasise “no one”> “No one makes it out of here alive. <Stagger the words as if there is a full stop between each word> That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, <pause as if you are thinking, then say the next few words speedily to add drama> cleverly disguising the thought-pause with <breathe in long breath staggering the new few words between your breath as you do it> a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say <state in a profound way – as if making a pledge> something profound and important. Only she had <emphasise no idea> no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing <drop tone as if disappointing that you do not yet know> would be. All she knew as she <slow down> slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her <emphasise ”most important breath”> most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a <emphasise very> very smart idea. An idea that was so good, <pause and say the last few words slowly> it would save her life.’

It’s not a skill that comes naturally to all, but it is a skill that anyone can learn. When you know how to deliver stories in an engaging way, every book can become a masterpiece and the reader can glean as much entertainment from reading it as the audience can from listening.

When I used to babysit the children always wanted me to read to them in my ‘funny voices’ and it used to make them laugh.  As a headteacher in Leeds one of my favourite parts of doing assemblies was when I could put on different voices when I was reading out stories to the children. I always made sure to go through it a couple of times beforehand to make sure I got the tone of the voices right. Soo 

The original version of this article was written by Gemma Bailey, director of www.NLP4Kids.org.

It was republished and rebuilt with additional content by Soo Matthews https://www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org/