5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

As the song says ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’. But what happens if you don’t have any friends? Is your child a bit of a loner? Do they never get any birthday invites?

1) They have a fear of rejection so it’s easier not to try to make friends.
It may be that in the past your child has reached out to another child to make friends with them and for whatever reason the other child has not wanted to make friends with your child. It could be that the fear of rejection is totally unfounded – most people experience fear of rejection at some point in their lives.
Talk to your child about their fear of rejection and make sure that you make time for them. All children value quality time with their parents even if they don’t show it!

2) They are very shy and don’t know what to say to open the conversation.
You will know yourself if your child is very shy. If I said, ‘Help them by giving them some conversation starters to use, tell them when and how to use them and then rehearse the opening conversations with them’ that would sound rather dull wouldn’t it?
However, if you make it into a game where you play different characters in different settings then it becomes fun and your child will find it easier to remember! Make it a family game and include their favourite characters from books or TV to make it even more fun.

3) They think they are ‘boring’ and that others are more ‘exciting’ than them.
Everyone else’s life seems more exciting than yours when you are a child. Children compare themselves and their lives to others and often find themselves coming up short. In reality they are not but believe that they are. Help them to see that others are feeling the same way they do about them by finding all the unique things your child has that others don’t.
You can always find something unusual that your child enjoys doing that makes their life seem more exciting to others.

4) They feel like an outsider and think that they don’t fit in.
This happens especially when a child moves and is new to a school or area or when a child has specific needs. When they feel they are on the outside children will look for all of the things that they don’t have in common with others and use those as a barrier (or excuse) to avoid making friends. The truth is that the more they use these as an excuse the more they will be treated like an outsider and the worse it will get. Tackle these issues early on by finding groups or clubs that your child can join where they can build on common interests.

5) They have been bullied in the past and have trust issues.
This can be the toughest one to deal with. If you know your child has been bullied then you have a head start because you can talk to them about it and coach them through any worries they have about being bullied again. You can build their resilience by praising how they overcame the bullies before.
It may be that your child has hidden the fact they’ve been bullied from you. This is harder to deal with but if you are aware of your child’s moods then you will be able to spot changes in moods which may indicate bullying is taking/has taken place.
Start small and focus on a friendship that you know works for your child and boost that friendship as much as you can. You can enlist the help of that friend to help your child to make more friends.

Childhood friendships come and go – some last a lifetime and some only for a short while. Building the skills to make friends as children makes it easier to make friends as an adult. Remind your children that you are also their friend and are there for them.

Yours in friendship
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner West Yorkshire
www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org
https://www.facebook.com/nlp4kidswestyorkshire/