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The Law of Unexpected Outcomes and Squeaky Floorboards

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The Law of Unexpected Outcomes and Squeaky Floorboards

A couple of weeks ago I decided it was time to give my office/art room a lick of paint to freshen it up.  What ensued was quite a saga which I’m not sure I’m over yet! Obviously I moved things from the edge to be able to reach the walls. In reality it’s such a small room meant I had to empty the room. It took me 2 days to move everything out of the room (I have a lot of books and art stuff!) This in turn lead to unexpected outcome number 1 – the rest of the house upstairs became a cluttered, hazardous space!  You might think this would have meant the job got done quickly so I could get back to normality – it didn’t!

Having emptied the room the carpet looked really grubby especially around the edges (it was laid when I moved into the house over 20 years ago so no surprise). This led to unexpected outcome number 2 – what to do about the floor? The carpet had to go! Day one of damage to fingers from the carpet gripper rods and their sharp nails – ouch.

I started with the woodwork – obviously sanding it back all first to give the surface a tooth to grip to. This lead to unexpected outcome number 3! My fingerprints aren’t recognised on any of my devices!

When I wasn’t painting the walls and woodwork I researched flooring. I wasn’t totally sure I could lay carpet but over 20 years ago I had laid laminate flooring in the kitchen when I first moved in. If I’d done it once I could do it again! Then I recalled how tricky it was to cut accurately and in the end I narrowed my choices down to vinyl.  Vinyl on the roll had the same issues as carpet – it’s an awkward shaped room so that was out. Stick down vinyl tiles were potentially easy to use a however the online reviews were mixed so I went for vinyl planks that click together. Decision made I had to choose a colour – so many to choose from.

In the meantime I carried on painting and stepping over things in the hallway and bedrooms. Decorating is quite tiring and it took me four days to paint all the walls and woodwork to my satisfaction!  The walls took three coats.

Next job was the flooring and a trip to B&Q to get another pack of vinyl as the room was bigger than I thought!  It was a frustrating start when I realised that I had put the first two strips together and had to take them apart.  True to the description the planks did cut easily across the plank by scoring them with a Stanley knife and snapping across your knee.  Unexpected outcome 4 – bruised knees and scarred wrists where the planks slipped and I cut myself. 

Half way through I realised I was right with the first planks I’d laid – I was now struggling on a row trying to click the planks the wrong way.  As soon as I realised this I was flying and had the room almost completed – though it still took me all day!  I just had the edges where I needed to cut the planks lengthways.  I started and realised it was not going to be as easy and I was worried the planks might crack in the wrong places. 

Next day I set to with sawing the planks.  This lead to new abrasions on my fingers and knees (don’t ask!) Each plank took about 15 minutes to saw as I was hand-sawing – not recommended! The edging strips were much easier and I found I could cut that with a Stanley knife.  I was now ready to move everything back in.

Only I didn’t move it all back in. Unexpected outcome 5 – I sorted and discarded stuff I no longer needed and cleared space – I was able to let stuff go.  Unexpected outcome 6 – gifts sent to friends of things I have no use for but I know they will love. Unexpected outcome 7 – the desk has always been in front of the window so I could look out. It’s now against the back wall and the room seems so much more spacious and the energy in the room is fabulous.  I’m also not distracted by being a nosey parker!

Unexpected outcome 8 is squeaky floorboards in the bedroom next door!  I suspect it is because I have moved the bookcase that was really jam packed (and therefore very heavy) into another room.  That’s something to investigate another day – and probably needs a floor specialist if I’m honest.

A decision to make a simple change led to so many other things that I really didn’t expect at all.  I always remind the children and young people I work with that one small change may well lead to other changes we might not always expect.  We talk about what else might change or happen when we’ve taken a decision to make a change. We usually end up with a huge mind map of all these changes.  I’ve ended up with a lovely office and therapy space with great energy.

PS – Not so unexpected outcome 9 – I’m a much better therapist than I am a decorator or floor layer!

PPS – Still working on getting my devices to recognise my finger prints!

5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

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5 Reasons Kids Find It Hard to Make Friends

As the song says ‘I get by with a little help from my friends’. But what happens if you don’t have any friends? Is your child a bit of a loner? Do they never get any birthday invites?

1) They have a fear of rejection so it’s easier not to try to make friends.
It may be that in the past your child has reached out to another child to make friends with them and for whatever reason the other child has not wanted to make friends with your child. It could be that the fear of rejection is totally unfounded – most people experience fear of rejection at some point in their lives.
Talk to your child about their fear of rejection and make sure that you make time for them. All children value quality time with their parents even if they don’t show it!

2) They are very shy and don’t know what to say to open the conversation.
You will know yourself if your child is very shy. If I said, ‘Help them by giving them some conversation starters to use, tell them when and how to use them and then rehearse the opening conversations with them’ that would sound rather dull wouldn’t it?
However, if you make it into a game where you play different characters in different settings then it becomes fun and your child will find it easier to remember! Make it a family game and include their favourite characters from books or TV to make it even more fun.

3) They think they are ‘boring’ and that others are more ‘exciting’ than them.
Everyone else’s life seems more exciting than yours when you are a child. Children compare themselves and their lives to others and often find themselves coming up short. In reality they are not but believe that they are. Help them to see that others are feeling the same way they do about them by finding all the unique things your child has that others don’t.
You can always find something unusual that your child enjoys doing that makes their life seem more exciting to others.

4) They feel like an outsider and think that they don’t fit in.
This happens especially when a child moves and is new to a school or area or when a child has specific needs. When they feel they are on the outside children will look for all of the things that they don’t have in common with others and use those as a barrier (or excuse) to avoid making friends. The truth is that the more they use these as an excuse the more they will be treated like an outsider and the worse it will get. Tackle these issues early on by finding groups or clubs that your child can join where they can build on common interests.

5) They have been bullied in the past and have trust issues.
This can be the toughest one to deal with. If you know your child has been bullied then you have a head start because you can talk to them about it and coach them through any worries they have about being bullied again. You can build their resilience by praising how they overcame the bullies before.
It may be that your child has hidden the fact they’ve been bullied from you. This is harder to deal with but if you are aware of your child’s moods then you will be able to spot changes in moods which may indicate bullying is taking/has taken place.
Start small and focus on a friendship that you know works for your child and boost that friendship as much as you can. You can enlist the help of that friend to help your child to make more friends.

Childhood friendships come and go – some last a lifetime and some only for a short while. Building the skills to make friends as children makes it easier to make friends as an adult. Remind your children that you are also their friend and are there for them.

Yours in friendship
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner West Yorkshire
www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org
https://www.facebook.com/nlp4kidswestyorkshire/

Rapidly Calming an Angry Child

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The wrong jam on toast…
The wrong response ….
The laugh at the wrong time …
The raised voice …
Not enough sleep last night …
Hormones …

And a million other things are potential reasons for anyone to be angry. Being told to calm down can be the LAST thing you want to hear when you are angry and may well inflame a child even further.

Like snowflakes, every child is different and just to keep you on your toes every child will respond differently on different days! The secret to helping your child to calm quickly is quite simply to know your child. Know the things that trigger their anger.

You will already know that all behaviour is communication and all communication is made up of body language, words and voice tone. But did you know that the words we actually use only account for 7% of our communication? The rest is made up of our body language 55% and 38% the tone of our voice.

So how can we use this information to help calm an angry child? Be aware of your body language and that of your child. Observe your child’s body language and use mirroring and matching to build rapport and understanding with your child making sure to do so without sarcasm or mimicking your child in a way that makes them feel foolish. Match a right hand raised to the forehead by raising your right hand to your forehead too. Mirror a left hand on the hip with your right hand on the hip. Match your eyes blinking. Match your voice and if they are being loud start loud and get quiet very quickly – you can use your forefinger and thumb showing a small gap to gesture a small (quiet) voice.

Be aware of their breathing – they will most likely be breathing through their nose, rapidly and not very deeply. Match your breath to theirs – in and out, in and out starting at their speed and slowing down as quickly as you think appropriate moving towards breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. If appropriate you can guide your child through this with simple instructions like ‘breathe in… and … out’. Using simple phrases like ‘take a breath and relax’ whilst watching their breathing and matching it are a great start to calming a child (or even an adult!).

The key to it all is knowing your child. We all see the world or hear the world or feel the world in different ways through our senses and everyone has a preferred mode of experiencing the world. Knowing how your child thinks helps to choose the right language patterns to use to connect with them on an unconscious level and build the bridge that shows you understand how they are feeling.

Listen to your child talk to you about things and spot which of the language patterns they use most often. Know your child’s preferred sensory mode – visual (sight), kinaesthetic (touch, feel), auditory (hearing) or gustatory (taste)/olfactory (smell). This will help you to skilfully acknowledge their emotional state and swiftly move towards a calm resolution of the issue. Using these phrases can help you get started –
Visual I can see you are angry…. It appears that …. It looks as though ….
Kinaesthetic I get the feeling you are upset by ….
Auditory I hear what you are saying …. (you don’t have to agree with them just hear them!)

Depending on the reason for their anger if your child sees you ‘throwing a strop’ in an exaggerated, humorous way over the same thing saying something like ‘Well would you believe it….’ it can help them see what they look like and can break their angry state into one of humour and laughter especially if you put on a comedy voice!

We all get angry from time to time and helping your child manage their anger in different situations will help them in their adult life. If you have concerns about the reasons for their anger, the frequency or the magnitude of their anger and would like additional advice and support contact me at soo@nlp4kids.org or on 07851447612.

Transition – Can you grow the tallest beans in Leeds?

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All over Leeds schools have been growing White Lady runner beans.  The school that sends the photo of the tallest beans by July 20th wins £50 book vouchers for their school.

Schools have benefitted from free 90 minute transition workshops and feedback from the pupils and staff has been very positive.

You can read some of the feedback below –

‘She made me feel really happy when we talked about the problems.’ Year 6 pupil

‘She is funny and good at explaining.’ Year 6 pupil

‘I don’t know how she hid the balloon in my pocket. I enjoyed blowing away my worries.’ Year 6 pupil

‘Relaxing and calm manner – straight forward and easy for the children to understand.’ Staff

‘Very funny and interesting.’ Year 10 pupil

‘It was fantastic and I loved it so much.’ Year 10 pupil

I thought it was really useful to learn these techniques.’ Year 10 pupil

 

The Magic of a Good Book

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Quest for the Crystal CastleThe Magic of a Good Book

Books can take us to another land. They have the potential to evoke an imagination that brings the unreal to life and can captivate the hearts and minds of even the most uninterested readers.

Great storytellers have been sharing their surreal worlds with young minds for centuries. And the beauty of reading to children is immeasurable. The words, when expressed with the feeling with which they were written, can create a roller coaster of emotion and intrigue. Have you ever read a book that you were unable to put down – even though you knew bedtime was long overdue?

Or perhaps you can recall the torturous anticipation when your class teacher told you it was home time, as you sat on the carpet having just had read to you, the next chapter of your end of the day story?

There is a real gift in how good storytellers tell their stories, not just in how they write. But how they pronounce, intonate and pause in their delivery of what they have written.

Fantastic stories deserve to be read with the passion with which they were written and even a simple story can take on a whole new lease of life when it is read aloud in a compelling way.

As adults who read to young children, it is our duty to make reading one of the most compelling skills to learn. To make books appear more than just black letters on a white page and to use every ounce of our energy, acting and intonation to fully engage with the story and its characters.

My personal favourite book at school was always Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K Jerome. The adventures of the three men on a boat on the Thames always had the class in stitches. The teacher always put on funny voices and I’m not sure how she managed to keep a straight face whilst reading such a funny book. Soo

Consider the difference between the two examples below:

(Read this paragraph aloud or in your mind in a monotone voice. Do not express any words or voices.)

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his large, hairy belly that hung over the dirty cloth which covered his rude bits.

“No!” He exclaimed. “No one makes it out of here alive. That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, cleverly disguising the thought-pause with a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say something profound and important. Only she had no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing would be. All she knew, as she slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a very smart idea. An idea that was so good, it would save her life.’

If you’re a great storyteller you would have found that to be a very difficult exercise!

Now tell the story with the commands inserted below. Notice how it feels different to read the story and be the recipient hearing that story.

‘The flea bitten monster once again scratched his <next 3 words say them slowly with an air of disgust> large, hairy belly that hung over the <emphasise> dirty cloth which covered his <elevate your voice as if you are surprised> rude bits.

<With aggression> “No!” He exclaimed. <emphasise “no one”> “No one makes it out of here alive. <Stagger the words as if there is a full stop between each word> That’s the rules.”

Sophia paused to think, <pause as if you are thinking, then say the next few words speedily to add drama> cleverly disguising the thought-pause with <breathe in long breath staggering the new few words between your breath as you do it> a long intake of breath as if she were building up to say <state in a profound way – as if making a pledge> something profound and important. Only she had <emphasise no idea> no idea until she reached her entire lung capacity what that profound and important thing <drop tone as if disappointing that you do not yet know> would be. All she knew as she <slow down> slowly drew in that breath, was that it was her <emphasise ”most important breath”> most important breath she would ever take. The oxygen that filled those lungs needed to oxygenate her brain enough to come up with a <emphasise very> very smart idea. An idea that was so good, <pause and say the last few words slowly> it would save her life.’

It’s not a skill that comes naturally to all, but it is a skill that anyone can learn. When you know how to deliver stories in an engaging way, every book can become a masterpiece and the reader can glean as much entertainment from reading it as the audience can from listening.

When I used to babysit the children always wanted me to read to them in my ‘funny voices’ and it used to make them laugh.  As a headteacher in Leeds one of my favourite parts of doing assemblies was when I could put on different voices when I was reading out stories to the children. I always made sure to go through it a couple of times beforehand to make sure I got the tone of the voices right. Soo 

The original version of this article was written by Gemma Bailey, director of www.NLP4Kids.org.

It was republished and rebuilt with additional content by Soo Matthews https://www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org/

 

How I tricked 600 teenagers into thinking I’d travelled the world in a week!

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My best assembly ever! I’ve presented hundreds of school assemblies over the last 30 years and with today being World Book Day I remembered this one.

It was just after a half term holiday. I took a huge rucksack into assembly – 600 eager faces all looking my way and wondering what I’d be on about today! I wanted to wander in amongst the students so I didn’t stand on the stage as I often did. I asked the students if they’d had a good holiday and they chimed a loud ‘Yes’. Mr C my fellow deputy asked me if I’d had a good holiday. I then launched into my assembly about my fabulous holiday and how busy I had been!

 Out of my rucksack I pulled my safari hat, binoculars and camera. I told them of my safari adventures in Africa and how hot it had been! Next I pulled out a bright colourful sari, a sunhat, my sunglasses and suncream. I told them about the wonderful sights and sounds of India. Finally I pulled my ski jacket, warm gloves and ski goggles. Putting them all on I regaled the whole hall with my adventure in the arctic and how cold it was there and the wonderful sights I’d seen. The children were rapt and so were many of the staff. When I started to tell them about the wild chase across the ice on skidoos there were more puzzled faces and the touch of disbelief started to creep in.

At this point another colleague Mr H asked me loudly if I was sure that I had done all those things because he thought he’d seen me in B&Q on the Monday. I told him that must have been my twin sister and carried on looking in my rucksack. Then Mrs W shouted out that she knew I had been in the local café with her on the Thursday so how had I managed to fit all this adventure in. By now the children were very confused and not quite sure who to believe!

I rooted around some more in my rucksack and finally came clean. I pulled out the three books I had read over the holiday period – an African adventure, an escape to India and finally a terrific adventure called Ice Station by Matthew Reilly! I talked about how I had escaped in the pleasure of the books and had been transported to these wonderful places. I bigged up books big time!

At the end of the assembly there was a queue of students waiting to borrow the books and for the rest of the week some students were still not quite sure whether I had been to all those places or not. I told them that in my head I had and how much joy I had from it all!

Happy World Book Day and happy reading to you all.
Soo Matthews
NLP4Kids Practitioner

Preventing Mental Health Issues in Teenagers

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With Thursday 4th February being Time To Talk Day it reminded me of the article I wrote last year for our article writing competition.

Everyone loves a story and from the minute we get up in the morning we all tell ourselves stories – many stories. Most of them are very short and we may not even be aware we are telling ourselves them. Some are positive – ‘I’m looking forward to the party tonight’. Some are neutral and some are negative – ‘I’m not looking forward to school because I’ve got no friends’. Some are sometimes repeated and stick a bit. Others are repeated on a daily basis and become the landscape we live in and we come to believe as the truth about ourselves or our situation. Listening with care to the stories our children are telling themselves and turning the negative landscapes into positive ones turns lives around.

Now I’m going to let you into a secret that not many people realise.

We all have mental health, each and every one of us.

You can read the full article here http://bit.ly/1QX4Sld

The Art of Unning

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The Art of Unning

Can you Un? Say it like running but without the ‘r.’

I’ve discovered a new verb – to un! You read that right – to un. No I haven’t missed anything at the end of un – yet! The Art of Unning came to me the other day when I was working with a client. For most of us the leap from a negative feeling to a positive one can be simply too big. For many clients it is simply impossible. That is where the Art of Unning can help.

When we do opposites of words in school many words are paired together. Success – failure. Tall – short. Easy – difficult. Fast – slow. Happy – sad. Active – lazy. Stuck – unstuck. It was this last one that got me into thinking about the Art of Unning so I tried it – and it worked!

Imagine if you were feeling sad. What if instead of thinking you had to be happy you thought about being unsad?

What if instead of thinking about being active you thought about being unlazy?

How about instead of thinking you had to be a success you thought about unfailing?

How about you thought of something challenging being undifficult?

You see it confuses the brain long enough to start making shifts. The Art of Unning can make such unusual words that our conscious mind is so busy trying to come to terms with what unsad means that the unconscious mind gets to work on those blocks without you going ‘Yes but …’.

Have fun with it too!

For organised – disorganised use undisorganised.

For tidy – untidy use ununtidy.

For years we’ve unned positive words – so how about unning some of those negative words and see what happens? As a mathematician might say ‘two negatives make a positive’ so unning negative words kind of makes sense to me – I hope it does to you too!

Why not give it a try and see how the Art of Unning works for you and your clients?

Let me know how you get on!

Soo Matthews

NLP4Kids West Yorkshire

www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.nlp4kids.org

PS Dictionary definition of ‘Un-‘ is a prefix meaning ‘not’ freely used as an English formative giving negative or opposite force in adjectives and their derivative adverbs and nouns.

A new strategy for Samosas and Dyslexia

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My New Samosa Strategy

I’ve got a new strategy for samosas. A strategy for samosas? Why on earth do you need one of those? A few weeks ago I went out for a lovely meal to celebrate curry week. I’m vegetarian so we chose a vegetarian mixed starter. It was very tasty – until I got to the samosa. The pastry was really crispy and crunched nicely when I cut one of the corners off. I was so busy chatting that it took me a moment to realise it didn’t taste like the samosas I usually have. There was an odd texture to it – one I’m not used to. There were little chewy bits in it!

I had already chewed it and swallowed before my brain processed what I was tasting. Luckily it was just a small piece and I took a pause to look more closely at the other part. In the dim light of the restaurant it didn’t look like a normal vegetarian samosa. My friend had a look and tasted it and confirmed my worst fears – that it was a meat samosa! The waiter was very apologetic when we told him. He told the manager who then came over and said we wouldn’t be charged for the starter.

We all have strategies for getting us through the day. Sometimes we learn them from other people, sometimes we read about them (usually on the internet these days!) When I first started teaching (31 years ago) there were very few strategies for working with children with dyslexia. Indeed it was very often not recognised. Nowadays there are loads of strategies to help with dyslexia and workplace accommodations can easily be made if you need them.

Like me with the meat samosa a dyslexic’s brain may take longer to process what they are seeing or see it in an entirely different way.

Here are just a few –
• Using a coloured plastic strip to place over the writing. These come in different colours to suit the particular needs of the person.
• Using a pale coloured paper (white can be too dazzling)
• Use matt paper that is thick enough that the text on the other side doesn’t show through.
• Using specific fonts designed for those with dyslexia (Dyslexie and OpenDyslexic can both be downloaded from the internet.)
• Avoid using text in block capitals as this can be harder to read.
• Allow your child to talk their answer instead of writing it down.
• Using audio books alongside real books.
• Using NLP techniques to help visualise words.

Above all your child needs to know that they are still creative, intelligent and can be as successful as anyone else. Maybe even more so. Famous dyslexics include Richard Branson, Albert Einstein, Henry Ford (of Ford cars), Walt Disney and Stephen Spielberg to name just a few.

There are lots of helpful websites out there too here are a couple in the UK –
www.bdadyslexia.org.uk
www.dyslexiaaction.org.uk

So I nearly forgot back to the samosa strategy. The manager told us they buy in the samosas in separate boxes of meat ones and vegetarian ones. They are cooked separately in the kitchen so the mix-up happened in the factory where they are made. (I was a little disappointed they are not hand made in the restaurant). So my new strategy? I’m going to cut off one of the corners and look at it first before popping it in my mouth! After all – mix-ups can happen anywhere!

If you’d like help for your child contact me at soo@nlp4kids.org or call 0785 144 7612

By Soo Matthews

www.westyorkshirechildtherapy.NLP4Kids.org